Ate logo, amigos...

Eu sou licenza du Rio de Janeiro Domingo manha. Eu querer volta 4th en Fevereiro.

Adeus!

RANT: Plugging TV Shows on the News

So maybe it was a slow day or week. Maybe they had nothing else newsworthy going on in the world and in Baltimore. Maybe they ran out of better ideas this morning, when I tuned into Fox 45, for the morning news and heard them plugging the new (and ridiculously stupid) reality show Moment of Truth a total of 5 times in the hour between waking up and heading out the door. At one point, it had its on feature in the middle of the news.

First, I understand that its a Fox affiliate so they want to promote their dumb little show, but why on the news? Once upon a time, I swear the news didn't do this. Second, they spend way too much time on this segment, even showing an interview with the show's producer to further promote it. And its so silly. Basically, they hook contestants up to a lie detector and give money to the person being the most honest. And of course they're going to ask the most sensitive, private questions, cause what would a show be these days without scandal, humiliation and exposing personal info for the public's entertainment.

To Fox, the show sounds absolutely retarded. Why not get off the stupid reality bandwagon and invest in better programming ideas.

To Fox 45 in Baltimore, seriously, what a waste of news coverage, spending too much time promoting an equally stupid TV show. Focus on news. Focus on something that may be helpful and informative to the community. Focus on something that may mean something to people (while you have the ability to capture a wide audience). Focus on something that can give people hope. Or something that can educate.

But stop saturating the airwaves with more and more bullshit. We have enough!

Things I've Learned From Watching Hardcore Porn

Thanks to porn, I now know:

• Despite popular belief, its not only black men that have really huge schlongs, some white men do as well as Thai men are also well endowed.



• Unfortunately what a prolapse is and what it looks like. It's HIDEOUS! And a good enough reason to save that for marriage. Cause I'm not gonna let any dude do that until there's been a ring on my finger and we've taken vows! Maybe not even then.



• That it is possible to pleasure 5 men at once. You've just have to be really creative and super ambidextrous.



• That women can actually ejaculate! How does one....ok, nevermind! TMI!



• That the vagina is more flexible than I ever thought. I had no idea the things you can push up into there. A full fist, a high heeled show, a car hitch, a cell phone, an apple, a water hose, 2 dildos, a cell phone, an whole eggplant, a water pipe etc. Apparently, with patience, anything can really go up there. (No I'm not trying it nor am I endorsing it!)



• When attempting anal sex, always, always use an enema first. And when in more doubt, put down plastic sheets.



• I can see why two men can get together and not ever need a woman. Ever!




• the terms 'scat', 'squirter', 'twink', 'bear', 'golden showers' and omarashi.




• that there seems to be an endless supply of people willing to totally humiliate and degrade themselves for personal profit. And some are making a damn good profit.




• That in some countries, you can actually pee right on the street, in broad daylight, with bystanders walking by and no one will blink an eye. In other countries, you can have sex in the same situations...nobody appears to care. Apparently sex in public is fairly common. Particularly in Russia.



• that midgets actually have very normal-sized genitalia.



• that the Japanese are very, very very strange and deranged people.

Long live porn!

Signs I'm Getting Old/Staying Young

Signs I'm Getting Old:

1. I now get excited about sales on linens and towels at Kohls



2. I prefer watching HGTV and TLC's home remodeling shows over music videos and dating shows.



3. I can't stand MTV's The Real World and now refer to the cast as 'kids'.



4. In fact, anyone in college and under the age of 24 I refer to as 'kids'.



5. I'm seriously considering marriage, kids, mortgages.



6. I stopped reading US Weekly and Cosmopolitan in favor of Psychology Today and Women's Health.



7. Curtailed my beer drinking in favor of wine.



8. I am now turning down offers to be a video ho in local rappers' videos (I still got love for them tho!)



9. I take great pride in mopping floors and keeping counters meticulous.



10. I'm eating more and more vegetables and liking them.



11. I'm working out at least 3 times a week and loading up on water.



12. One item on my To-Buy list this year is a new suit.



13. I've outgrown Madonna and Janet Jackson and I wonder why they are still trying to perform.



14. I think all new children's programming is junk in comparison to The Smurfs, Alvin & The Chipmunks, Jem and the Holograms, Reading Rainbow, Zoobilee Zoo, Today's Special, Punky Brewster, and Pee Wee's Playhouse.



15. I still own VHS and cassette tapes. I still own a cassette player (though I don't use it much). And a VCR (ok, its a dual VCR/DVD).



16. My niece, who is 18, looks at me like I'm crazy when she sees me dance or hears half the things that come out my mouth. (May not have to do with aging).
17. I like old school rap better than new rap (and I hate southern rap).



18. I"m having a harder time keeping up with new music onthe radio. I have to ask my niece 'who is that?' and 'what is the name of that' (could be because I hate the radio and avoid it most days).



19. Sometimes when I dance for a bit, my thighs begin to hurt. Sometimes I'm sore the next day.

Signs I'm still pretty young (or still immature)

1. Still sang along and laughed with glee watching The Muppets Take Manhattan the other day.



2. Delaying marriage, kids and mortgages in favor of self-fulfilling pursuits.



3. I still read Glamour.



4. Will still down tequila shots and give the impromptu lap dance.



5. Will still send 2am drunken text messages of my bare butt in mid-air.



6. I still dump way too much sugar in my coffee and tea and in cereals that probably don't need it.



7. I could seriously live off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And chips-n-dip and popcorn are dinner meals to me.



8. I still lay into til noon or later on weekends.



9. I still think I can get away with wearing teeny, tiny mini skirts. (and low-rise jeans).



10. I'm still amused by fart and dick jokes. Still love X-rated and bawdy humor (loves me some Jackass).



11. I still love video games and can play for hours.



12. I still dance around my living room like I'm performing on stage for an invisible audience.



13. I still scoff at authority figures and think I know better.



14. I still ohhh and ahhh over Barbies and babydolls passing through the toy sections.

Why Is It...

...that on an entire queen-sized bed...


...you decide to sleep on my good work clothes....laying your fuzzy white butt on my good black pants?

Can you explain that to me, Cammie Pumpkin?

My Solution for True Justice

....and some may not like this. But I was watching the morning news this morning (or really trying to sleep through it) when of two disturbing stories shook the sleep out of my eyes and got me thinking.

The first was the truly horrendous story of a Mobile, Alabama man that pushed 4 of his children all a bridge, ranging from a few months old to 3 years old. Two bodies were recovered and police are searching for the other two. What in the hell!!!!

The other story was that of a child that was beaten to death by his parents. Even worse, is when I tried to do a Google search for that article to provide the link, I found dozens more stories of children beaten to death. I couldn't even find the one I was looking for. Instead, I found these:

• Father beat his wife and kids to death with a baseball bat



• Teen beaten to death by relative with a cricket bat



• Mother of a 2 year old kills child with methadone overdose (apparently she was disturbing the mother's drug-addicted friends



• Child beaten to death by mother's drug-addicted boyfriend had over 160 bruises (this may have been the original story I heard on the news)

But I'm not highlighting these stories because they are children or because these were brutal deaths. What struck me is what sentences will these killers face? Jail time? 25 years to life? Death? I'm sorry but if it were up to me (and luckily for them its not) I say the punishment should fit the crime!

You beat someone to death, your punishment should be a swift beating, the exact same way as they did their victim, TO DEATH!

You decide to push your children off a bridge, sentence that mofo and let's quickly do away with him and PUSH HIS ASS OFF THE VERY SAME BRIDGE! That way when he's falling to his death, he'll know exactly what his children experienced in their last moments.

Let's do away with these long, lengthy trials, appeals and convicted killers sitting in jail for decades awaiting the chair or lethal injection (which I think is way too humane for these crimes). I say, let's try them and within 30 days, put their asses to death. The same way they dealt it out.

Think of the taxes dollars we'd save, for months and years of housing, food and medical costs. Perhaps we could reallocate that into education or better health care. Some will say its cruel and unusual. Well it was damned cruel and unusual to push a baby off a bridge! Or give a child methadone. Or beat someone upside the head with a cricket bat. Why should these people's lives be spared? When innocents lay dead. I think if its true justice, the killers should be killed!

Why not try it? Do 30-day or 6-month trial. See how it works?

Pfffff! Ya'll lucky I'm not running things, I swear. It'd be a whole helluva lot different! Heads would roll! Literally!

The Approaching-30 Mindfuck

So I'm approaching big 3-0. In fact, I'm only a month away from it and as such, tons of things have begun crossing, no trampling across my mind as I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to The Future I've been planning for and its soon going to be time to make some hard decisions and actually carry them out.

And damnit, I'm not ready!

But here's the rundown:

Aging
I always thought and heard from others how the body begins to change around the age of 30. Anyone whose read my previous posts about weight loss, is clued in to how badly I take physical changes. I have no tolerance for them! I've grown accustomed to having a tight, tiny, fit body and damnit, I won't accept anything less. But I can already feel the changes and see that its going to take more effort to stay that way. But I worry about what's next, what's to come. How bad will it get, especially after having babies. Can I keep this up? How big will I be? How low will the boobs evetually sag? How wide and flat will the butt go? How saggy and strechmarked will the tummy get? How much change can I fight and accept? Now I've already taken steps to keep things up but who knows how much harder this will get. Maybe this is why so many woman let themselves go; because it gets too hard and it too much of a battle when you're up against other life struggles. Scurrrry!

Marriage
Fuck! I gotta start worrying about this now? Technically, no I don't, since Im not even engaged, but it does feel like something I need to seriously think about. I always wanted to, but sometimes I wonder. Can I make a lifelong commitment to anything. FOR LIFE! Will it suck like it seems to for everyone else I've known (who all now divorced)? Is it realistic to make such a commitment to anyone? Could I keep myself and my spouse happy, through thick and thin, sickness or health? FOR LIFE??? Can I stay in love? FOR LIFE? It just seems so daunting knowing that you will change, your partner will change but not knowing what changes those will be and if you two will still be compatible and interested in each other 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 years from now. Its not crazy to think that someone whose right, right now, could be all wrong, later. Sounds like such bad odds. Such a huge chance to take. And probably the most important decision you can make in life. Blech! Don't even wanna think about it.

Kids
Another big blech! I have always wanted a family of my own. A big one, like the one I didn't have growing up, but when I sit and think about the reality of the day-to-day life of a typical mother, I wonder if that is really for me. If I'll really truly enjoy it. If I can be okay sacrificing so much of myself, my time and my interests to care completely for someone else. Someone who may or may not appreciate it or show that same love and interest back in return. Scares the crap out of me. I fear losing my identity and LIFE. Having to forgo some many things I love cause I won't have the time or energy or nerves left. I fear the finances of raising a child and the responsibility of raising a healthy, well adjusted, member of this society. I fear that the childraising may tear the marriage apart as studies have shown. The whole damn motherhood thing is terrifying to me. Part of me feels it will spell the end of life as I know it. Well, as I'm living it now. But others say its not so. That I don't have to be like any other mother but I can be the mother I want to be. And do it my way. So true. But it still freaks me out!!!!!

Homeownership
I'm a renter. A happy, giddy renter. Why? Cause my rent is dirt cheap, the increases are cheap and I don't have to do any maintenance. But I do desire my own home one day and raising a family in a house. That means I'll have to bite the bullet one day and *gasp* buy something. With large sums of money. And even more seemingly streaming out of my pocket. The beauty of renting is having much more money in my pocket and in my bank account. The downsides I see to owning are the down payment, the mortgage (probably 2-3 times what I pay now) and the freaking annual maintenance, which I've heard go into the thousands every year. I fear living house poor. No more trips to Rio or Vegas or splurging whenever I want. And yes, I realize that its an investment and blaze, blah, blah, blah but its a huge commitment. I can't even decide where I want to settle down. And Baltimore was not even on the list! Bah-humbug!

So that's it in a nutshell. This whole turning 30 bullcrap has really made me think about my future; where I've been and where I'm going. All that talk about The Future and I feel like it's here. It's knocking on the door. Am I ready? Will I be ready? WHy do we have to grow up. Why can't I stay young forever!

I guess what it comes down to is life is about change and I embrace change, so why would I (or anyone) want to stay in the exact same place forever. Sure, I love my swinging, single girls' life where I can do whatever, whenever and not have anyone to worry about but myself. But whose to say that I wont tire of this self-absorbed, self-fulfilling existence and eventually want more. The next steps? Very likely at some point.

So while it seems I'm bitching, I know deep down that I really do want any these things. The nappy-headed, snot-nosed, crumb snatchers, the big house with the big mortgage, the ball & chain or love of my life and........well I dont want the badonkadonk butt! They can keep that.

I just hate feeling like there is a ticking clock and Im losing time. But I can't go back, nor can I freeze time. I'll just have to roll with it and try to make the best decisions possible for myself.

*sigh* and *eyeroll*

Can't a "Skinny" Girl Decide to Lose Weight?

First off, I don't consider myself skinny. I'm petite and curvy, voluptuous, etc. I'm thin, granted, but you won't see any of my bones. I also have a weight range that I'm comfortable with and if I begin to grow past that range, I nip it in the bud and do what I need to to get back down to my comfort range.

But anytime I tell someone, I'm trying to lose weight, cutting back on sugar/calories or watching what I'm eating, I get the usual 'you don't need to lose weight', 'you look fine', 'weight, what weight?' Basically, whatever weight I may be trying to lose, since they don't see it, it must not exist, therefore, its a non-issue and I'm being silly. Why would I need to lose any weight, right?

Let me enlighten you.

Just because a person, fully clothed, doesn't appear any different, does not mean, they haven't put on weight and enough weight to make them uncomfortable. And as long as they are uncomfortable, its an issue for them. And even a slight weight gain for a slim person, say 5-10 pounds, can easily cause clothes to fit much tighter and less comfortable and I'm sure I'm not the only on who has experienced a waistband so tight after eating a meal, the the top button had to be removed to commence with breathing.

I'm also a person that likes to handle situations while they are small before they balloon into bigger ones, ie, I'd rather work on losing 5 pounds then 10, 15 or 20, cause it would seem to me to be that much harder. Nip it in the bud, I say. Its just a matter of maintenance. If I enjoy having a slimmer build, sometimes that comes with work. There will be times when I'll let it go, such as during the holidays and others when its time to tighter up, such as my impending trip to Rio De Janeiro.

And yeah, some would say, well just don't people you're trying to lose weight. But it always seems to come up, either you're being offered food, asked about your food/cooking/eating habits or people are noticing you walk away from the free donuts or ordering the smallest thing on the menu. Food happens. All the time. But is obviously a sensitive subject for all, the fat and skinny. And not so skinny.

So to conclude, as a not-so-fat, but not-so-skinny chick, I can decide that the extra 5-10 pounds I've gained outside my comfort range is too much and must go. Immediately! Call me vain, but feeling good to me, is looking good and looking good to me is looking the mirror and absolutely loving what I see. It's just that simple.

Some people are just more sensitive about physical changes than others, and this holiday weight is gonna be gone like a freight train!