Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Things I've Learned From Watching Hardcore Porn

Thanks to porn, I now know:

  • Despite popular belief, its not only black men that have really huge schlongs, some white men do as well as Thai men are also well endowed.

  • Unfortunately what a prolapse is and what it looks like. It's HIDEOUS! And a good enough reason to save that for marriage. Cause I'm not gonna let any dude do that until there's been a ring on my finger and we've taken vows! Maybe not even then.

  • That it is possible to pleasure 5 men at once. You've just have to be really creative and super ambidextrous.

  • That women can actually ejaculate! How does one....ok, nevermind! TMI!

  • That the vagina is more flexible than I ever thought. I had no idea the things you can push up into there. A full fist, a high heeled show, a car hitch, a cell phone, an apple, a water hose, 2 dildos, a cell phone, an whole eggplant, a water pipe etc. Apparently, with patience, anything can really go up there. (No I'm not trying it nor am I endorsing it!)

  • When attempting anal sex, always, always use an enema first. And when in more doubt, put down plastic sheets.

  • I can see why two men can get together and not ever need a woman. Ever!

  • the terms 'scat', 'squirter', 'twink', 'bear', 'golden showers' and omarashi.

  • that there seems to be an endless supply of people willing to totally humiliate and degrade themselves for personal profit. And some are making a damn good profit.

  • That in some countries, you can actually pee right on the street, in broad daylight, with bystanders walking by and no one will blink an eye. In other countries, you can have sex in the same situations...nobody appears to care. Apparently sex in public is fairly common. Particularly in Russia.

  • that midgets actually have very normal-sized genitalia.

  • that the Japanese are very, very very strange and deranged people.

Long live porn! Roll


Skinny Black Chick said...

LMAO!!! Girl you've got me in my office cracking up!

Erika 2004 said...

Funny. I don't know what a prolapse is. Don't think I want to know now, though.

Not Your Average Male said...

E2k4 -- DITTO!

This was way too funny -- I can't even think of a sly comment here, lol

That Girl Jonnie said...

Eww...just ewww.

but thanks for sharing!

Meatwad said...

Porn helps on long cold winter nights. Also on short warm summer afternoons. Also when it's raining out. Also on sick days. Also...I guess porn is just good in general.

Cat said...

I wanna know what a prolapse is!

The Girl From Park Heights said...

Funny, I thought more people would know what a prolapse is.

Well, ya'll are on your own. I was gracias enough not to post a link for that one.

C. Holden Blackman said...

Cat said... I wanna know what a prolapse is!

No, you don't. Years ago there (c. 1997ish) was a malware email that circulated widely. On it was a link to something allegedly innocuous. However, if you followed it, it would open a web page with a picture of a white man holding open his huge gaping prolapsed asshole with two hands. Then (and this is the funny part) an extremely loud audio clip would begin continuously blaring "Hey everybody! I'm looking at gay porn." The page would then begin to propagate copies of itself so fast that one couldn't possibly close them. The hilarity would continue until one's computer either ran out of memory or one yanked out the power cord. I can only imagine the chagrin of people who fell for that prank while at work.

As to things that I've learned from porn:

1. Having a mediocre dick is no stop to a white guy's porn star aspirations.

2. If you are a black man, you'll need to be of equine endowment to even think about a "career" in porn.

3. White guys really love to see white girls having sex with black men.

4. White guys really love to hear white girls saying the word nigger while having sex with black men.

5. Quite a lot of black women can do tricks with their booties.

My personal favorite is the booty-clap.

6. Belladonna is the Tiger Woods of porn stars. She's not the cutest girl in the world, but her skills are unrivaled.

7. Any man who is turned on by DPs (double penetration)is at least bisexual.

wv said...

Dang blog lady, you’s one of da smartest woman around.

Not Your Average Male said...

Ohhhh, shit... I'm crackin the hell up right now @ CHB's comment.

The main thing I've learned from porn is simply that one need not be overly attractive in the facial region if one has sufficient mastery of sexual proceedings and/or a reasonably well-crafted physique (i.e., chiseled body, EEE cup or a 2 foot water hose).

James Tubman said...


i know you have a very warped mind from watching all that s*#t

i've watched some hardcore porn, i may be a clown but i don't know how prolapses relate to sex

Cat said...

Thanks for the explanation...I think.
Things I've learned- that apparently the way the man looks is of no concern nor his age (call me crazy but I'm not in to seeing some Harrison Ford lookalike naked).

C. Holden Blackman said...

i've watched some hardcore porn, i may be a clown but i don't know how prolapses relate to sex

I'll show you, if you really want to know, but you'll never be the same again. Don't test me. I'll 2Girls1Cup your ass up in here.

James Tubman said...

@blackman... you know about all that kinky s*#t

your blog is hilarious

keep doing what you doing

the more info i get about women the better

mp1 v.8.0 said...

damn, that prolapse shit just sounds nasty. I don't even wann hear anything else about it. And I think CHB is right about the looks. Most folks aint even looking at the grill when watching porn. lol

Angry Asian said...

about your japanese note: i once watched a japanese game show where couples did their thing, with a rapt audience watching. the couple who had the guy cum and the girl swallow first, won. not sure what they won, but they won.