Friday, January 11, 2008

The Approaching-30 Mindfuck

So I'm approaching big 3-0. In fact, I'm only a month away from it and as such, tons of things have begun crossing, no trampling across my mind as I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to The Future I've been planning for and its soon going to be time to make some hard decisions and actually carry them out.

And damnit, I'm not ready!

But here's the rundown:

I always thought and heard from others how the body begins to change around the age of 30. Anyone whose read my previous posts about weight loss, is clued in to how badly I take physical changes. I have no tolerance for them! I've grown accustomed to having a tight, tiny, fit body and damnit, I won't accept anything less. But I can already feel the changes and see that its going to take more effort to stay that way. But I worry about what's next, what's to come. How bad will it get, especially after having babies. Can I keep this up? How big will I be? How low will the boobs evetually sag? How wide and flat will the butt go? How saggy and strechmarked will the tummy get? How much change can I fight and accept? Now I've already taken steps to keep things up but who knows how much harder this will get. Maybe this is why so many woman let themselves go; because it gets too hard and it too much of a battle when you're up against other life struggles. Scurrrry!

Fuck! I gotta start worrying about this now? Technically, no I don't, since Im not even engaged, but it does feel like something I need to seriously think about. I always wanted to, but sometimes I wonder. Can I make a lifelong commitment to anything. FOR LIFE! Will it suck like it seems to for everyone else I've known (who all now divorced)? Is it realistic to make such a commitment to anyone? Could I keep myself and my spouse happy, through thick and thin, sickness or health? FOR LIFE??? Can I stay in love? FOR LIFE? It just seems so daunting knowing that you will change, your partner will change but not knowing what changes those will be and if you two will still be compatible and interested in each other 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 years from now. Its not crazy to think that someone whose right, right now, could be all wrong, later. Sounds like such bad odds. Such a huge chance to take. And probably the most important decision you can make in life. Blech! Don't even wanna think about it.

Another big blech! I have always wanted a family of my own. A big one, like the one I didn't have growing up, but when I sit and think about the reality of the day-to-day life of a typical mother, I wonder if that is really for me. If I'll really truly enjoy it. If I can be okay sacrificing so much of myself, my time and my interests to care completely for someone else. Someone who may or may not appreciate it or show that same love and interest back in return. Scares the crap out of me. I fear losing my identity and LIFE. Having to forgo some many things I love cause I won't have the time or energy or nerves left. I fear the finances of raising a child and the responsibility of raising a healthy, well adjusted, member of this society. I fear that the childraising may tear the marriage apart as studies have shown. The whole damn motherhood thing is terrifying to me. Part of me feels it will spell the end of life as I know it. Well, as I'm living it now. But others say its not so. That I don't have to be like any other mother but I can be the mother I want to be. And do it my way. So true. But it still freaks me out!!!!!

I'm a renter. A happy, giddy renter. Why? Cause my rent is dirt cheap, the increases are cheap and I don't have to do any maintenance. But I do desire my own home one day and raising a family in a house. That means I'll have to bite the bullet one day and *gasp* buy something. With large sums of money. And even more seemingly streaming out of my pocket. The beauty of renting is having much more money in my pocket and in my bank account. The downsides I see to owning are the down payment, the mortgage (probably 2-3 times what I pay now) and the freaking annual maintenance, which I've heard go into the thousands every year. I fear living house poor. No more trips to Rio or Vegas or splurging whenever I want. And yes, I realize that its an investment and blaze, blah, blah, blah but its a huge commitment. I can't even decide where I want to settle down. And Baltimore was not even on the list! Bah-humbug!

So that's it in a nutshell. This whole turning 30 bullcrap has really made me think about my future; where I've been and where I'm going. All that talk about The Future and I feel like it's here. It's knocking on the door. Am I ready? Will I be ready? WHy do we have to grow up. Why can't I stay young forever!

I guess what it comes down to is life is about change and I embrace change, so why would I (or anyone) want to stay in the exact same place forever. Sure, I love my swinging, single girls' life where I can do whatever, whenever and not have anyone to worry about but myself. But whose to say that I wont tire of this self-absorbed, self-fulfilling existence and eventually want more. The next steps? Very likely at some point.

So while it seems I'm bitching, I know deep down that I really do want any these things. The nappy-headed, snot-nosed, crumb snatchers, the big house with the big mortgage, the ball & chain or love of my life and........well I dont want the badonkadonk butt! They can keep that.

I just hate feeling like there is a ticking clock and Im losing time. But I can't go back, nor can I freeze time. I'll just have to roll with it and try to make the best decisions possible for myself.
*sigh* and *eyeroll*


Music Snob said...

GFPH, considering that I am right behind you I have say that this is by far one of the most uplifting blogs I've ever read. Thanks for helping me to start my rainy morning on such a chipper note.

ps Try not to worry so much. From what I hear worry=crows feet=not a good luck. :)

Your Friendly Neighborhood Skeptic said...

The idea of turning 30 literally makes me want to have a cyanide and sleeping pill cocktail (and I'm 1366 days, or 320,806 hours, or1,968,338 minutes from 30 at the time I'm typing this). Sometimes I feel that Candi and I are a bit behing in life but then we realize that we're not behind we're just on an alternate route. Life isn't a race it's an experience. So as far as the concerns you have control of, take your time. I'm sure you already know this seeing as though you seem to be having a good time with life.

But I totally agree with your reservations about homeowning. It seems like such an overwhelming undertaking. But, it's nice to say that you own something, ya know?

The Girl From Park Heights said...

Skeptic- I hear what you're saying about life not being a race, but I feel like time is flying by. FLYING! Like we just rung in 2008, I feel like we'll be ringing in 2009 before long wondering where the year went. And its only going faster. And while the house and the marriage can wait, biologically, I only have so much time to have a baby and even less if I want more than one. Some studies say that fertility declines by 60% after age of 35 (for a woman) so while I'm young and have time now, that time is slowly running out and I essentially have about 5 years before I have to get very worried. That's 5 good years to fall in love, get engaged, get married and upgrading to better housing.

As for the housing stuff, I forgot to also mention property taxes, which are increasing in Bmore and insurance. Two things I don't have to worry about renting.

There's always fine print.

wv said...

30, that’s old. I know, I hit the big 3-0 last month. Yep, dat’s right, I’m a Sagittarius along with Tiger Woods, Samuel L. Jackson, and Britney Spears. What what what!

While I’m not a sufferer of the female condition, the number 30 still made me consider the four topics you’ve mentioned as well. Anyway, aging sucks. Marriage, Kids, and Homeownership are the three largest commitments human beings can make.

Marriage—is a legal document that signifies a sexual, spiritual, social, financial, physical, emotional, and love commitment to one person. When people get divorced, the courts only view it as a financial commitment. In such, the person in the marriage accruing the most income encounters the most risk.

Kids----having kids will change your life forever. Every decision you make changes after you have children. If you want to be a good, responsible parent, then you’ll need to think of your children’s needs before your own. That’s just a guess though, I ain’t got no kids, lady.

Homeownership---Just like any investment, there’s a risk/reward continuum to be considered. Will you still like your job after 2, 5, or 10 years? Will you be able to find work in the area if you want something different? How will the community grow? Will Barksdale’s crew start selling crack on your street corners? How are the schools in the area? Will you outgrow the house?

Dat’s enough mindphucking for one day. In closing I’ll say, there are no guarantees in life. Sometimes you just have push ALL-IN and hope for the best. I guess the safest of these three things is homeownership b/c you can always sale your house (and if you set up shop there long enough you’ll probably be able to make some money). With marriage and kids though, the cheese gets more binding b/c you’re dealing with real people.

meatwad said...

Mamma said babies come out your vajayjay.

Hoopskidoodle said...

I'm 37. 30 wasn't a big deal for me. 25 was was far more traumatic. I remember thinking, "well, there's no more avoiding it, you are a grown ass man." Even 35 was an uneventful milestone. Then again, I'm aging in man-years. The older I get, the more the balance of power swings in my favor.

As to marriage and homeownership, been there, done that, have the 17 year old kid in college to prove it. A house is a huge pain in the ass. There is constantly something to maintain or repair. I'd never want to live in an actual house again. Just the thought of edging a lawn or cleaning a gutter is enough to make my head ache. Plus, I hate driving. When you own a home out in the suburban hinterland, you have to drive everywhere. As someone who is done with the whole kid thing, I have no use further use for the suburbs. I like to be able to walk out of my building and buy a paper, walk to Barnes & Noble, walk to the grocery store, bar, theater, etc...

On the other hand, renting is basically throwing tens of thousands of dollars down a hole (I own my apartment.) It's strictly condos, and maybe one day a co-op, for me from here on out.

P.S. You can send all of the badonkadonk butts that cross your path my way.

Not Your Average Male said...

Allow me to post the one positive aspect of homeownership: EQUITY. It's priceless.

That being said, I hate maintenance. It's annoying. Joint compound here, new heater there, caulk windows here, etc... it gets old really quickly -- especially when you do it alone.

Which is the awesome benefit of being married. I have more money in which to dip my grubby fingers. That means more PS2 games and cocktails for me -- even if I have to drag the wife along.

Not that I don't also agree with 99.9% of what everybody else said, but I just figured I'd be the one to put something relatively positive up.

P.S.: According to Missy Elliott, big asses ROCK

Candi said...

Not your Average Male - the love of your life is probably thinking the same thing. "That means more shoes and vacations for me -- even if I have to drag the husband along."

Not Your Average Male said...

Ouch, Candi -- the truth burns! Fortunately, she doesn't like shoes THAT much... but the vacation thing could be a problem.

I'll be sure to keep my guard up whenever I finally get married!