All My Single Ladies: Happy Valentine's Day!

Yes, once again, its time for the much dreaded V-Day, Valentine's Day and while I know so many people loathe this day for its forcedness of trying to honor a supposed Valentine, I've always found this day fun (and not just because its my B-day) but because I think it doesn't need to be reserved just for lovers, but for friends or anyone you love.

For the past few years, I have tried to plan at least on outing with my single ladies to dance, drink and be merry and be each other's Valentine's. Who says that its only for significant others? It's a day to show whomever you love that they are special to you and I try to do that.

So for V-day haters, you can switch that around. Send your mom a nice card, drop a good friend a note to let them know they are appreciated, give your homie a hug, just show some love. Then buy yourself a box of candies, some flowers, treat yourself to a new outfit (got myself a new blouse and a bag) grab some good people and celebrate...yourself!

Be your own damn Valentine!

Happy Valentine's People!

Yes, yes, YES!

Really? Is there anything else left to say? I nearly kept my eyes closed this whole election cause I just didn't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed again. But yesterday when I stood in line to cast my vote to Obama/Biden, I couldn't help but allow that glimmer of hope at the possibility of a
BIG FAT WIN!!!!!!!

So what's next? Let's CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!
And through 2009!!
Wooo-hooooo!!!!!

Things I've Learned From Watching Hardcore Porn

Thanks to porn, I now know:

• Despite popular belief, its not only black men that have really huge schlongs, some white men do as well as Thai men are also well endowed.



• Unfortunately what a prolapse is and what it looks like. It's HIDEOUS! And a good enough reason to save that for marriage. Cause I'm not gonna let any dude do that until there's been a ring on my finger and we've taken vows! Maybe not even then.



• That it is possible to pleasure 5 men at once. You've just have to be really creative and super ambidextrous.



• That women can actually ejaculate! How does one....ok, nevermind! TMI!



• That the vagina is more flexible than I ever thought. I had no idea the things you can push up into there. A full fist, a high heeled show, a car hitch, a cell phone, an apple, a water hose, 2 dildos, a cell phone, an whole eggplant, a water pipe etc. Apparently, with patience, anything can really go up there. (No I'm not trying it nor am I endorsing it!)



• When attempting anal sex, always, always use an enema first. And when in more doubt, put down plastic sheets.



• I can see why two men can get together and not ever need a woman. Ever!




• the terms 'scat', 'squirter', 'twink', 'bear', 'golden showers' and omarashi.




• that there seems to be an endless supply of people willing to totally humiliate and degrade themselves for personal profit. And some are making a damn good profit.




• That in some countries, you can actually pee right on the street, in broad daylight, with bystanders walking by and no one will blink an eye. In other countries, you can have sex in the same situations...nobody appears to care. Apparently sex in public is fairly common. Particularly in Russia.



• that midgets actually have very normal-sized genitalia.



• that the Japanese are very, very very strange and deranged people.

Long live porn!

10 Things I'm Grateful For This Thanksgiving

Totally stealing this blog idea from the Friendly Neighborhood Skeptic.

1. Nip/Tuck's newest season. Thank the agnostic gods that FX has brought back my Tuesday night debauchery fix. Everytime, I hear them say 'shit', 'dick' or 'pussylips', I squeal in delight at having some sliver of X-rated adult humor slipped into basic cable for broke mofos like me and act as if they did it just for me. Carry on FX and Drs. Troy and McNamara. Please, continue to spoil me with gratuitous sex, tight bare asses and insane plotlines. Best thing on TV today!


2. Fast metabolisms. Though mine has slowed a notch. I'm so grateful to still have the ability to guzzle beer, dine on cheese, gorge on pizza and throw myself on the mercy of french fries and other goodies and still be able to get into my lovely low-rise jeans. I realize it won't last forever and I'm going to milk it for all its worth.


3. Tiffany's Beauty Supply on Reisterstown Rd. I LUV me some them! Since I was in high school, this store has been hooking me up and I'm so pleased to see them grow and expand their wonderful store. Whatever your beauty needs, seriously, they have it. And yes, I consider myself as their personal endorser.


4. My kitten babies: Angel Baby Muffin and Camryn Pumpkin. Obviously, I'm in love with my kitties. Joy to me is begin greeted at the door by a sweet, little fluffy butt, waking up to a soft little paw on my shoulder, having a warm, nuzzling little body on my lap when I'm on the computer, seeing sincere, gentle little round eyes looking out for me when I'm sick and having a lovable little friend lay on the floor when I'm cooking or taking a bath just cause she wants to be near me. If you have never experienced that kind of love from a pet, I highly suggest it.
5. My Ipod. Cause lets face it, people are gross, boring and icky sometimes and what better escape then to be able to stick some earbuds in your ears, crank your own created playlist and tune everybody the hell out. I only wish I could listen to it all the time.
6. Employment. I am grateful to still have gainful employment and to not have gotten fired thus far. I seriously hope I can keep the charade up and keep the paychecks a-coming. Cause being broke, in in default with bills and having bad credit sucks. So I've heard.

Yada, yada, yada.

Uhhh, yeah, sadly I started this one last week and have since gotten bored with it, so I don't actually have a 7-10 but lets just say life has been kind to me as of late but I'm kinda over this particular blog.

Moving along.

Kathy Griffin: My Hero of the Day

Ha ha ha! This one made my morning.

At some creative arts Emmy's ceremony, Kathy Griffin won an award for her show Life on the D-List (funny show) and she did what no one has done before and that which I've always wanted to do just to smite people: in giving her thanks she remarked that Jesus Christ had nothing to do with her getting the award. Fucking hilarious!

Her actual quote:

"...a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus."

Damn her for stealing my idea but kudos for doing it, even though the networks are going to censor it for its telecast this weekend claiming its offensive. Whatever! And how the hell is that more offensive than Sarah Silverman (who sucked!) saying that both Britney's kids were "mistakes" during her opening monologue on the VMAs Sunday night? I think taking pot shots at innocent children is way worse than not giving undue credit to someone who hasn't exactly been without his share of accolades.

Oh and I have to add that the Emmy for Best Song also went to SNL's famed "Dick in a Box" short but the Catholic League doesn't appear to have any problem with that. PPfffffffffff, whatever!!

I love Kathy Griffin. I'll buy her a drink in hell!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/09/11/tv.emmys.griffin.ap/index.html

Dream Men of the Moment

Totally biting off my friend Eclectik Relaxation's blog where he always posts his favorite beautiful women. I've decided to honor my own collection of hottie men I desire to share and also to look at whenever I want to. And that list will vary depending on my mood but here are my main men.

David Beckham

Why? Well just look at him. I usually do not go for blondes but he is like perfection personified. The face alone sold me. He had that square jawline, intense eyes and prefect features that only an artist 2nd in line with nature could perfect.

Lenny Kravitz

Why? He is just absolutely beautiful and bonus for being a black man that plays rock music. He has everything, musical talent, cool hair, beautiful features as well as a rock hard butt, abs, arms, caramel skin and style. That's hot!

Julian McMahon


Why? As the star of Nip/Tuck, he is worth tuning in every week just to see his kinky sex scenes and (kudos to FX for showing some bare ass on basic cable). He portrays a classic bad boy. And he could ____ my _____ anytime he wanted to. You fill in those blanks.

Common

Why? Style, man! He is all about style! Seriously, his look is the hottest right now. That polished gentleman's dress mixed with his flair and relationship lyrics. Add on to that his smooth caramel skin, freckles, lips and the swagger in her voice. Oooh yeah! His style alone is much appreciated. I see fellows trying to imitate, I say keep it up. We women are noticing. He's like serious long-term, relationship material.

Matthew McNaughhey

Why? Why? He's fine! Again, not a blonde fan but I am a fan of nice butts, abs, legs, thighs, tanned, glistening skin and he's got that wild, cowboy thing going on, like he would just grab your ass and saddle you up and have you riding high like your on a mechanical bull and ....(ok going too far). Strictly, short-term, purely sexual fun and games material.

John Legend


Why? This one is simple, he sings pretty, reminicent of Stevie Wonder, plays the piano, has pretty bubblin brown sugar skin and sings lovely songs about love. I keep hearing, though, that he might be gay but Ihavne't found any concrete eveidence of this yet. Regardless, he is adorable.

Adam Levine

Why? Same reasons as John, sings like Stevie (I'm a sucker for a soulful singer), is cute as all hell and well, that's it. Cutiepie! I'd have his baby and hope it comes out singing!

Mos Def


Why? I really can't even pinpoint why. It's just something about him. When I saw him acting in some film, he just stayed with me. It's like he has a perfect mix of street knowledge and cred mixed with real intellectual smarts. Like he could be the broke, mofo 'round the corner or the executive on the board room. Then rap on top of that. I dig that. And he aint bad looking either. Most definitely!

John Cusack


Why? He just has this everyday, every man, totally down to earth attainability like I could get a guy as lovable as he portrays himself on screen. Lots of his characters are vulnerable, lovelorn and totally sweet. I seriously would marry a guy like him. Dark hair, intense eyes, sensitive, adorable. He's the type of guy you want to give your heart to and make him happy.

Hill Harper

Why? Well this one is simple. If you've ever heard the saying that people tend to choose people that look like them, he is my perfect match! We look just a like! Brown-skin, little nose, heart-shaped mouth. He is suppose to be with me genetically so we can have gogeous brown babies together! Look at him! He is my ultimate match!

And finally, Marvin Gaye

So yeah, he's no longer living but still one of the finest and most talented men ever. I remember hearing Let's Get it On when I was a child and thinking 'that man is kinda sexy'. I like to think I owe my life to this man as I believe my parents got together dancing to Got to Give It Up at the club they met and danced to his music throughout their courtship. But forget all that, he is just the best soul and R&B singer and all his stuff is so classic. Talented. Troubled but damn sexy.

The South Beach Vacation

After a year of talk, me and the girls finally made it down to South Beach in Miami, and seriously, I did not want to leave. We stayed at this adorably cute spot right on the beach and lounged and ate and shopped and chit-chat and ate some more the whole time.

Unlike Ocean City, MD, the water was actually turquoise and see-through beautiful. And felt like it was 75 degrees. And the men! Whoooo, child! I never saw so many fine ass men in my entire life. Every one of them it seemed was jogging and frollicking around the beach with apple butts and cut abs and firm thighs and tanned arms. Matter of fact, everybody there was tanned including me, getting nice and crispy dark.

But I loved it! It was hot and sunny everyday. We were in walking distance of everything you can eat, buy or lounge on there was so much activity everywhere.

So I began thinking, I should move here! The weather is hot, there's lots to do, plenty of hot men, bars, partying, young people, I can walk around half naked, what's the minus? But I got a bit discourage when I asked a friend about the dating scene and she replied that it was mainly "white and shallow". So me and the girls went to the club Mansion to check out the scene and despite the long line waiting behind a velvet rope, I found it rather tame and the women there had nothing on me. The music was their downfall (it was mainly techno and no Bmore club of course) with only one small room dedicated to "urban" music fans. I was unimpressed but no longer intimidated. Though I take note that there weren't enough nappyheads walking around.

Perhaps that will change.

The Beyonce Experience

So last night I had the pleasure of checking out Beyonce's The Beyonce Experience show and OMG! It was seriously THE BEST concert I have every been to. Soon as she hit the stage with Crazy in Love, every body was up on their feet, booty-dancing and singing right along with her.

But I have to say, I don't care what people say about her, the chick has mad talent. She performed for a full 2 hours with only brief 5 minute breaks in between dancing and gyrating to every beat, not missing a single step and still had the breath to then blow us out away with her powerful voice. She did not miss one melisma-laden note. The chick was popping that booty to up-tempo songs like Jumpin, Jumpin and Baby Boy, then she'd slow down and belt out Listen or Dangerously In Love and rocked it! She sounds exactly as she does on the tracks. She sounded amazing!

She did some Destiny's Child stuff, as well as some interlude of Jill Scott's He Loves me and Gnarl's Barkley's Crazy and even incorporated mixes of the Pink Panther theme and the Cellblock Tango from the musical Chicago before she came back out to do Ring the Alarm in a long red fireman's style coat. And I have to admit, I felt particularly inspired when she began singing Survivor and Me, Myself and I, two of her female-empowering anthems.

And she was absolutely beautiful. She was rocking this super long, super wavy, loose curled hair that she flung around so many damn times, you'd think she'd get whiplash, but no, it all stayed on and nothing came out and no, she did not fall at all that night. The abs were tight and I swear you couldn't even tell she was sweating (and it was hot as a mofo in there). Backed up by an all-female band and some cut male dancers who I did not mind watching grind and hump the stage floor at times, the entire show ensemble rocked. An when she got around to singing Irreplaceable, there wasn't a person in there who didn't have both hands raised and pointing "to the left, to the left", male or female and singing word for word. I seriously did not want the show to end. But she ended it by singing Happy Birthday to any 'B-day' peeps in the audience and throwing a sweat-soaked towel to one girl who couldn't stop crying.

I walked back to the subway pumped up and ready to go dancing and wondering why I didn't take the morning off. Nevertheless, The Beyonce Experience? Indeed!